What’s one positive trait you’ve gained because of BPD?
Last Updated: 28.06.2025 11:04
Due to the real legacy of trauma (B.P.D)
Like some twisted love , they where addicted to each other
Another so called friend had bit the dust..
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I am a twin , my twin is a boy called Alan. I had a sister and 2 other brothers
This is soul school!.
The same beautiful brown eyes my mother loved so much!
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I was 9 years of age.
For him, I cleaned and cooked and shopped, and spent the whole day, doing a weeks work) in the only day off, i had, besides Sunday.)
He said i’d end up like her, and he laughed his big rolicking bear of a laugh!
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Everytime, i saw a chronically ill person in middle years.
She wouldn,t have been !
When he wanted one of his lessons to be taught!
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You don’ t get a state one here , in England ? until your at least 67 yrs old ! Im 63.
The coal was sharp, and i usually had no underware! So my bare arse ,was cut and rossened on the coal..
But im dying ,and its too late for me.
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My family never makes their pension either.
And when you live in a life , of being terrified, and shocked, and permantly stressed; especially as a child born in to all this .
And don,t forget my 4 months alone, in the incubator. Knowing my brother in the womb and my mother voice .The baby knows she’s alone!
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One cannot live in the past .
As is all addictions, people can’t leave off.
The apprentership one gets in Extreme Big T Trauma childhood is insight and extreme awarness.
He’d sit me down, and stand behind the chair, Then he’d make a great show of his beauty (the chesil )and place it behind my neck ,at the base!
But ive been too sick for many years..
And, all my friends down the years ,where users.
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Its mostly always from childhood abuse .
And i lived it daily.
She found it foreign!.
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On the 31st of Jan this month .
What did i know ?
Then he’ d take out his beloved lump hammer ,show it to the kids.
I was writing from the time i was a small child.
I was grabbed out of my mother hung upside down, and rushed up to the prenatal ward, to spend 4 mths alone, with, only medical staff.
I got to know the terrible awful childhood, he had himself. And his Jolly Pub Persona.
Youll pack your bags and leave Dorset.
Why did i forgive my father ?
Anyway, i told my husband ,and he was gobsmacked.
I watched his eyes light up and his twisted smile rejoice, in his joy of it all.
We were not on the streets..
As she had lost her son ,to fatty liver disease!
We all went to grammer schools
I was the most vunerable of my siblings. I was born small ,and was sickly ,and of course none of us could ever thrive!
All the time i was locked up.
This is how, and why children get BPD.
I do have abandomment issues but they come from being left alone ,without my mum, or any of my family in a incubator for 4 months.
As i gave and gave ,everything to people, they began to use me.
I had offered the whole expense of the holiday to her, free.
I might have to go back 30 generations or more..
But my sister and my other 3 brothers wouldn’t have come near him every again!
One women pretended to my husband she wanted to see me for coffee ,and make friends.
The only rule us 5 kids had .
We born here on earth , for the soul to learn , the contrast, of heaven.
I only stopped writing poetry recently, because , of my brain tumor
Being very nice and never wanting to say the wrong thing.
I write beautiful poetry .
My familys so full of ancestral BIG T Trauma.
Its like, taking poison, and hoping the other person will die.
As his daughter ,he didn’t even think I wouldn,t do it. (Look after him)
I did write a poem about him though, and my mum.
BPD only comes to a person who has suffered childhood trauma.
He did pay me though, i made him (.After i’d trudged miles to get his pension ) Before ,it all was gone, over the pubs counter!
That life, was meant to be , as the world teaches us great lessons, and leaves us many gifts.
She loved him until the end.
She was deluded, and thought she could stay on for the reminder of the holiday!
I was very sick at this time too.
So whats the point in blame.
My mother wasn’t a tactile women ..only as babes could she touch us. After we grew ,she couldn,t touch any of us.
And who doesn’t know suffering?
Her first husband, had been a gay man ,and he was a lovely person.
I think the readers, may guess!
And i know him well ,and every thing about him. This relationship, is the only real one iIve been able to keep!
I forgave my father,, and in those years i cleaned and looked after him .
So he went home with my mum to her 2 other children.
I know ,a lot about trauma.
Then later on when my husband had gone to the bar..she started telling me, that they where having a affair, and that he loved her much more then me ,and other loads of visious lies.
He said i reminded him of an old aunt ,who used to beat him, and when the menapause came, she was placed in a mental home and never was released ,until she died.
I couldn’t, believe it.
We could never speak unless he spoke to us!
We wern’t close any more, the family fractured, after my Mothers death, and seeing me annoyed them ,as i was the familys scapegoat..
I of course replied” arh beautiful!
You’d think that being brought up for so long, in those terrible circumsatances ,i would know the ways of people ,and the world, but i wasn,t in , nor of the world .
The only way to get rid of it forgood ,is sommence therapy,
One cannot hold on to bitterness.
Who then, do I blame.?
Also my liver and lungs are fatally diseased!
Why ? because Trauma depletes the immune system.you get terribley ill , with chronic disease from all the horror ,and stress of it.
I was seconnd youngest,
And as runt ,of the litter .Which of course, i actually was!
I will be 64.
Comes on , in middle age.
He isn,t a very sexual person at the best of times!
They look at me amazed ,and ask me how i could possibly know it?
I let him have the joy of his friends( that i would never know myself.!)
But i went to school ,and was locked up evey evening , until he was off out on a bender..then mum would set us free, and we,d be bouncing off the walls,
Your thinking ,but those kids would have been street wise?
And ive living now since 2005, on disablement .(Which is a pittance)
19 years ,i spent with dear old papa.
Im dying but, im not bitter.
Trauma never leaves you! Its actually lives in the fashia ,of the body .The connective tissue.
But he said ,he was sick of her anyway ,and only put up with her as i had a friend ,and seemed to be happy.
Anyway ,i could never hold on to a relationship.
I have no regrets .
We were all going out this night to a fancy resteraunt.
Im constanly in a state of FLIGHT or FIGHT my whole life
Ther’s very good reasons why i was left alone.
Although we always gave her a kiss on the cheek. She would shrink away from it!
But im a psyci anyway, and i read energy and people, .
A line in front of him, from the eldest to the youngest.
My place (mostly )was the coal hole..it was a small room heaped with coal .
He call us down, from where ever he stashed each one of us ,that day ! We were kept seperate.!
Thats was my nicest nick name for him
I never cut or harmed myself..
It will be my last birthday ,as im dying of a brain tumor and 8 other autoimune diseases.
Mine was extreme ,and lasted 19 years
He’d bring us out ,and we would form the position .
He was a brick layer (when he worked at all) and he carried his tools around ,hanging from a money belt.
Would this be the day?
I was scared of men, in general
And if you hold on to hate you only die inside yourself,!
As i do to all so called friends.?
Especially a lifetime of it.
She stayed with him because she thought he,d grow out of it. He didn’t of course!
She died at 55 of colon cancer.
So, i spoilt her more .
She was in good health!
Thats being isolated in a house, locked up as a child .We never saw any people except in School and we had no relatives in Liverpool!
She died young (from the stress and abuse of Big T Trauma) of liver cancer!
It was going to be , some day.
Where the ultimate outsiders.
But there where , these other acts only us 2 girls, would receive, (When id have rather had his lump hammer , and chisel.).
She married twice! .
My dad was a alcholic psychopath, and violent in the extreme.
With Catholic nuns and Church on Sundays.
Stress hormones Adrenaline and Cortosol ,would have flooded my brain, and they never left it!!!!
He knew the spot.
But it has taught me many things other people will , never know!
Do all the shopping, and cooking and look after all the dogs.
Its a big thing in the States for the last 25 years.
Was to survive, this bastard.
His mum and dad ,were Alcoholics!
I said to her
His abuse (his own) began at 2 years of age. His mothers friend, sexually abused him, from the age of 2.
I ended up cooking for her, and bringing her eveywhere with us.
Because huge Trauma like mine is alive.
I could never make a relationship work though!
I suffer greatly, because of BPD..
They are buried together, in the same grave..
Put me off passion for life!!
I had hoped to write a book about this .
But, we were locked up after school.
He weighed in at 5 lbs .I was the second born, and i weighed 3 and a half pounds.
I don,t even have a pension.
And as she herself ,wasn’t kissed or touched as a child.
My twin will have involuntary pissed himself, but not me at least not, that day!
(And it was in our own minds.)
But people really die of the Big T Trauma!!
It comes from Big T Trauma and is no fault of anyone who has it.
Im still living with it.
Rather to engertic for me ,with my terrible health, but i was left to run the house, it was a Cottage in Dorset.
Ive learnt so much.
We didn’t no it wasn;t normal life..we were isolated, and taken from Dublin in Ireland ,where our whole mothers family lived , to Liverpool in England!
He was dying to do it , i knew.
5 of us kids, and it wasn’t a big house.
But i am married 43 years to my husband this July !
I had many talking therapys , but they just don,t work.
She was a women, a mother with her own children!.
One of his many names for me was Runt .He like that it rhymed with (well you know)
He had many friends, who didn,t know the home devil he was, for his sake ,i never enlighted them either.
I forgave my father, and i took care of him ,until his death in 1999..my mum left us on the 29th Jan 1998.
My life is so biszare .
Those are used to try and block the pain, like that of my life out..
Because , i didnt have the heart to hurt my friend.!.
My mum and dad in the seventies!
At this time i had honed my heart to the same, as that of a lion and i knew i wouldn’t beg or cry ,nor plead.
He resisted the act ,that day.
My only sister also couldn,t make her life work.
I did it because my mum asked me too!
Even in the coal hole, i said the lines in my head..
She got all dolled up, but it looked as she was dressed up to play the part of , Florence Nightingale ,as she descended down the cottage stairs ,like a Queen.
But im an empath, and i help lots of people.
He took out the hammer, and explained again, how the smallest tap ,of this hammer would kill me in a second.
When she asked me how she looked .
I waited trembling.
She said her life with him ,was love, and spoke to me of all the passion, it had brought her.
Yes, a stroke or heart attack is the reason on your death certificate.
.I left my 2 sons and my husband to do it. Instead of spending the day with them
As i said though i will be 64 on my last birthday!
I only knew my twisted world , and there, is no choice for a child but to live in it. Or Die in it!
Insight, and i can spot a wrongin from 3 miles away.
Im a true spealist, because i study it for years .And i still do..
One was a lump hammer, another was a iron chisel.
Took her away on holiday ,with us, my 2 pugs her dog, a Jack Russell.
But it wasn’t much.
So i became my fathers slave and he hated me the most.
Im kind ,and give many things, inc money ,to any of persons in need. I have a groups of homeless beggars ..i help out daily. They all know me by name!
Although he,d calmed down a bit ..he still shouted his orders at me and thought , my older sister would be better at the job..
I wasn’t taught any boundries, our home ,was like any war zone , and Dad told us, he had bodies buried, under the floor boards.
I immediatly know and see what their chidhood was. I tell them you had a awful time in childhood.
Trauma lives in the body, as ive explained, but it actually this that kills you in the end.
Why do we forgive? Because if we don,t
I worked then as a chef ,and a very good one.